JTHM Vs Twilight
by AMysteriousWriter
Summary: Johnny discovers the pile of trash known as Twilight...and heads to Arizona to end this madness once and for all! T for heavy violence and light cursing. Rating might change later. TWILIGHT FANS, DO NOT READ! Don't say I didn't warn you!
1. Chapter 1

JTHM vs. Twilight

**Genre(s): Horror, Humor**

**Description: Johnny discovers the pile of trash known as Twilight...and in a fit of rage, heads to Arizona to end this horrible disgrace to vampires once and for all!**

**It's time to single out the absolute abomination that is Stephenie Meyer's atrocious Twilight saga, a saga in which the world of vampires is mutilated and spat upon, a saga in which "true love" means insane stalker obsessions, and marrying someone just to have sex. Twilight fans, DO NOT READ! You have been warned!**

**Now I know this fic may seem silly and overused, but I really hate this garbage so much that I think NOT writing a fanfic like this would be letting Twilight "get away with murder", so to speak. Twilight haters rejoice, and watch the Johnnyness unfold! I know I might get alot of hate reviews on this one, but oh well. That's the entire point of entertainment, really. Without further ado, let us begin!**

Todd trembled madly as his tall friend, and insane neighbor, Johnny C., stood at his side on a cold summer night. His parents had "forgotten" to pick him up at school, so Johnny had come to pick him up. This took awhile because of Johnny's lack of a car, and arrived at 7:16 to finally walk him home. Almost 2 hours had passed, and it was now 9:02 and the stars shone high above the Earth.

Todd and his insane friend were just about a block away from their house, when something caught Johnny's eye. A large, glaring black poster which featured a masculine looking teenage boy with messy hair and a slightly attractive curly haired girl embracing eachother, hung above the movie theater. Many people - neither of the two noticed, but most of them were girls - were flocking near the movie theater, begging to get in.

"Would'ya look at that, Squeegee?" said Johnny finally, yanking Todd's scared arm. "A new movie of entertainment! It doesn't look like you would like it, though."

While Todd did think it didn't look that great, his terror towards his friend got the better of him, and said, stuttering, "Um, well, I think it looks good, let's, um, get tickets!" He would do anything to make him feel comfortable within a crowd - Johnny always terrified him when they were walking alone alongside, even in the daytime.

Johnny held his chin, slightly confused. "Well, I couldn't see why, Squee," he said, "but okay. I have some spare money on me to buy some tickets." Todd breathed a sigh of relief - there was no way Johnny could kill somebody among a crowd without getting captured, even if Johnny never killed Squee no matter what he did (Squee, for the record, didn't know of Johnny's restrictions from killing him or any other kid, for that matter).

It took a few minutes for Johnny and Todd to get in because of the massive crowd. During these few minutes Todd grew incredibly worried that Johnny would invoke his wrath on the people making him wait - but somehow he was able to hold it back, though he did look considerably angry by the time they reached the ticket booth.

"That'll be five bucks, sir," said the man. Johnny obliged, and laid 5 dollar bills in front of the man which he took. As Johnny and Todd begun to pass into the movie theater, Johnny was annoyed by the sound of the ticket booth man whistling and tapping his fingers, waiting for a tip. Johnny growled menacingly at him, which backed the man off, and made Todd squeak in fear.

The two passed into the movie theater, and Todd grew frightened when he saw how dark it was, but the darkness was broken by the crowd, who were yabbering about who knows what.

Johnny and Todd found a seat, and waited through a few advertisements before the movie actually came on.

"Y'know, this looks entertaining," said Johnny, "vampires are my favorite type of monster. I'd like to see if it's as good as Anne Rice!" Todd said nothing, and gulped.

The crowd went silent for a second, and the (mostly) female audience bursted in applause when the movie began.

"Hey!" shouted Johnny. "Shut up!" But the crowd silenced anyway, murmuring to themselves as the movie started.

The movie began quite innocently, but Johnny saw this as a sign of a build up within the plot. "I can't wait till it gets super gory later on, eh Todd?" He nudged his friend's arm, who gave a fake thumbs up sign.

20 minutes later...

Johnny was beginning to get quite irritated. "Well? Where the hell are the vampires?"

"Were you listening?" said Todd, "it's the guy with the weird white skin."

Johnny stared at the man's wimpy posture, and scoffed. "Hah!" he laughed. "What a loser." Some of the fans turned and glared at him, who glared back.

15 minutes later...

"What is going on here?" said Johnny, pointing to another "vampire" on the screen.

"That is the bad guy," said Todd, "James."

"_James_?" mocked Johnny. "You'd think the villain would have some mystical buddha zen name or something!"

10 minutes later...

"ARGH!" cursed Johnny. "WHAT IS...THIS...THIS...ABOMINATION?"

The fans threw a plethora of angry yells at him, and Johnny screamed, which got Todd extremely worried. "WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FREAKING VAMPIRES! ALL I SEE IS A BUNCH OF SUNLIGHT SPARKLING TWITS! YOU WANT A GOOD VAMPIRE STORY? READ ANNE RICE, NOSFERATU! IS THIS WHAT YOU KIDS WATCH THESE DAYS?"

"Nny, please stop!" begged Todd, but it was too late. Johnny, bumbling insanely, pulled out a scyth seemingly from nowhere and started to tear up the chairs of the theater, which caused all the other movie theater attenders to flee in fear. "You're not even a vampire! Don't do this!"

"I don't care if I'm a human, vampire, shark or even a freaking ant!" cursed Johnny. "This is an utter disgrace to humans and vampires alike! I will not let this CLOWN by the name of Stephenie Meyer tarnish the name of fantasy fiction!"

Johnny, in a fit of insane rage, turned back toward the exit of the movie theater, and said "I shall not let this disgrace get away without consequences! I WILL END THIS ABORTION TONIGHT!"

"End it? What do you mean?" Todd said, horrified.

"Todd, I'M GOING TO ARIZONA!"

Todd's only reply was to faint.

**Chapter 1 Done**

**Mwuhahahahha! Next chapter Johnny heads to Arizona, to get revenge on some of the cast to prepare for the enivitable fight with the wimpy Edward! I hope you enjoyed this first chapter, let's all see the name of Twilight fall before the new movie comes out in November!**


	2. Chapter 2: The Killing Begins

**Here's the second chapter...enjoy!**

Todd ran as fast as he could down his block, when he eventually reached his house. Like a madman, he hauled himself for his door, and ran quickly towards his father's work room.

"Daddy!" he shouted, grating the irritated man's ears.

"TODD! I'm in the middle of work!" The man was shrouded in shadowy figures, sitting in front of a blue screened computer which said simply: "NO LIFE". All that was visible was his eyes. "What the hell could you possibly want? And where the hell have you been?"

"I went to see a movie with the scary neighbor man," Todd replied, panting, "and now he's going to Arizona to kill people!"

"Ha!" said his father, disbelieving. "That is completely asinine. How would he even get to Arizona anyway? What movie did you see that could've made him do that?"

Todd swallowed hard, "Twilight."

His father's near invisible eyes grew wider. "W-what?"

"Twilight."

Dad clenched his fist and tore off his glasses. "Twilight? Twilight? TWILIGHT?" Todd trembled in fear.

"Daddy! I'm sorry! Don't hit me!" He backed up.

Dad was in fact about to strike Todd down, but he calmed himself, and sat back down.

"Son...that...that..._abomination _known as Twilight has brought hell to my life."

Todd tilted his head and raised one of his eyebrows. "How so?"

Dad's eyes welled with tears as he thought about his horrific past.

_"Daddy! Daddy!"_

_The voice of young Dad echoed throughout the halls of his old house. It was Christmas day, and he couldn't wait to open his presents._

_"Eh, here's your first present, son," said his rather chubby dad who wore a greasy white T-shirt._

_Young dad eagerly tore open the present. Suddenly, however, a huge earthquake rumbled around the house, and thousands upon thousands of Twilight books rocketed out of the box, drowning young dad in them._

"Son...let him go to Arizona."

"But-"

"It's for the best, son. NOW GO TO BED!"

"Y-yes, daddy." The poor little guy sobbed as he headed into his lonely room. He sat on his bed and hugged his teddy bear, Shmee.

"Now scary neighbor man's gonna kill all those people, Shmee. And I could've done something." He sobbed into his teddy bear.

The bear talked back to him, in his subconscious. _"Stephenie Meyer is an evil person, Todd. So are her cast of vampires in the movie. What Johnny is doing, is good."_

"Don't say that!" argued his friend. "Killing is never good."

_"When he does the deed, you will realize, Todd."_ Todd just stared off into space, sadly.

xXXXXXXXXXXx

Johnny rapped his tough knuckles on an iron door in one of the back alleys of the city. A man's eyes peered through a slit in the door.

"What do you want?" the man asked.

"I know you're working on a teleportation machine in there. The entire town knows it. Now, let me in." Johnny demanded this rather harshly.

"No," said the man. "You must be a member to - AUGGGGH!" The man gurgled blood and fell with a thump onto the knob of the door, opening it for Johnny. Johnny had shoved a knife into the slit on the door, striking the man. The man's body slipped to the ground, and Johnny walked in.

He was met with a large metallic hallway that stretched a few yards before it reached a metallic doorway. Johnny strided across the hall, and kicked the door open.

Inside was a huge dome that stretched throughout the bottom floor. Johnny walked out onto a large balcony, and looked down into the dome and saw a gigantic machine, which scientists were working on.

Johnny, using his long legs, was able to jump down easily without getting hurt. Quietly he snuck around a few smaller machines, avoiding the sight of the scientists. Things were going smooth for Johnny until he accidentally stepped on a plug on the floor, pulling it out and turning off one of the smaller machines.

All the scientists turned immediately to the machine, and this instantly got Johnny noticed. "Hey!" shouted one of them, in a British accent. "He's not allowed in here!"

Various guards surrounded Johnny. "Dammit!" Johnny cursed to himself. _Well,_ he thought, _I guess I have no other choice._

3 Seconds Later...

Dozens of bodies lay strewn on the floor, including that of the scientist's. Johnny spit a lougie on the floor, and approached the gigantic machine, which was idiotically labelled "TELEPORTATION DEVICE" with a large post-it note on the top.

Johnny scowled. "It's time to crush this piece of sh** under my boot like the insect it is!"

He climbed into a slot of the teleportation device, and the door automatically shut on him. Johnny, confined, looked around him, and he saw buttons everywhere, and there was a typing machine in front of him, which said to put the place you wanted to go into the space.

Johnny was about to type in "PHEONIX, ARIZONA" but then he realized that Paramount studious, the company which created Twilight and probably had all it's actors in the building, was in Hollywood. He preceded to press this instead. He then pulled a lever, which set off the machine.

Johnny began to sweat as the machine grew red and lights flashed. Steam erupted from slots in the walls. And then, suddenly, in the blink of an eye, the pod shot off into the sky.

xXXXXXXXXXx

Todd, who was subsiding from his sobbing, looked out his window and admired the stars. Suddenly, he noticed a small device flying in midair, and erupted off into the night sky. Little did he know that it was Johnny's pod.

Suddenly, Todd heard a knocking on his bedroom door.

"Come in?" he said.

Todd's father slowly opened the door. "S-son?" he asked.

"Yeah?"

"Did you...um...enjoy that movie?" His father said the word _enjoy _with utter disgust.

"Er...I guess..." Todd could not tell a lie.

Dad just stood there, disbelieving. Not saying another word, he merely left the room, speechless. Todd could hear him bawling in the next room. "Now my idiot son has become infected with this virus! Dear lord, when will it end?"

xXXXXXXXXXx

In the night sky above Los Angeles, no citizen noticed a small pod shaped object crash land into a back alley, crushing a garbage can, and spewing it's waste all over.

"Uggh!" out climbed, you guessed it, Johnny, who took a banana peel out of his mouth. Shaking himself off, he looked in front of him, and saw the "HOLLYWOOD" sign looming over him. Smiling sadistically, he climbed up out of the pod, and marched down the sidewalk.

After about 10 minutes of walking, he stumbled upon Paramount Pictures, and scowled hatefully at the disgusting excuse for a theater building.

Johnny approached the barricade on the door. A young man stood in front of him.

"This is an authorized area! Please show me your pass."

Johnny merely flung a steak knife at the man's skull, killing him. His body slumped onto the button which opened the barricade. Johnny casually walked in, and scowled at the horrendous Twilight posters surrounding him as he marched down the hall.

After a few more minutes, he stopped at a trailer room. It said on the door "JASPER HALE".

Johnny roundhouse kicked the door in, knocking it down and revealing a highly unnatractive man with shaggy hair.

"Whoa, man!" he shouted. "What the hell are you doing?"

Johnny spat. "Any respective fool should know why I'm here!" Johnny charged at the weak looking boy, and roundhouse kicked him in the face, sending him stumbling onto a desk.

Jasper coughed up blood as he lay on his crushed desk. "D-dude..." he said, "p-please stop!"

"And you call yourself a vampire!" spat Johnny in a rage. "In the real vampire works, vampires are powerful beings of evil! And what the hell are you?"

"I'm...a vampire!"

Johnny stomped on the man's nuts, causing him to howl in pain. "You are evil?"

"N-no!" said Jasper, coughing more. "Vampires are not evil! They should bring peace and light to the world!"

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT VAMPIRES DESPISE!" Johnny pulled out a scythe and used the handle of it to snap the man's neck, crushing his spine, and then flinging him out the window which shattered the glass into a thousand shard pieces.

"What a joke." Johnny stuck his hands in his pockets and walked out of the room, striding along the halls until he found the next trailer room: "ROSALIE HALE".

_Another one of the Hales, eh? _thought Johnny. _Hopefully this one won't be near as pathetic as the last one._

He roundhouse kicked the door open again, revealing a young blonde woman who looked almost nothing like the last one. She glared at him. "What do you want, bastard?"

"I'm here to rid of the stain you left on cinema!" Johnny pulled out two fearsome looking knives.

"Ha!" Rosalie laughed. "Stupid knives won't do anything against me. I _am _a vampire, after all, and the greatest one."

"Y'know..." said Johnny, "I hate people who think so highly of themselves. Now die, fake vampire scum!" Johnny charged at her, flailing his knives like an insane crab and yelling like Tarzan.

"Eat this!" Rosalie pointed her hands at him. "My awesome vampire manipulation."

Johnny, still charging, said, "Let's see if that's true, then!"

Sure enough, the so called "vampire manipulation" didn't work, and Johnny dashed past her, splitting the woman clean in 3 halves.

"How pathetic!" cursed Johnny with rage. "Give me a fight for once!" He marched out of the office, and back into the hall, preparing to finish off all these minor characters. Then he could get to the _real _fun.

**I had a ton of fun writing this chapter. I also liked showing a more comedic side to Todd's dad in this chapter. Twilight Haters rejoice!**


	3. Chapter 3: The True Bloodbath Begins!

Johnny's foot came crashing through the next trailer room, which was labeled "ESME CULLEN" on the top.

A middle aged woman looked up at him, startled. She then smiled. "Are you alright, young man?"

Johnny answered with a screech as he charged the woman, pouncing her and tearing her down with two switchblade machetes, cutting her into many meat pieces. Johnny, after he was finished, picked up her disembodied head, and threw it out the window, shattering the glass and the head landing on whatever unfortunate soul dwelled on the streets.

"This is pathetic!" Johnny cursed again. "I need some REAL action!"

XXXXXXXX

Todd/Squee was freaking out. There he was, knowing Johnny had probably killed a lot of people all ready (judging by the news on his TV) and he was clutching Shmee tightly, who spoke to him.

_"Why do you insist on freaking out?" _Shmee asked in Squee's subconscious. _"Johnny's actions are positive."_

"Shut up Shmee! You don't understand! It's all really hard to live in a world where this happens all the time!" Squee sighed, throwing his arms down in defeat.

XXXXXXXXX

Johnny had arrived at the set of yet another "vampire". He scowled at the sign above his head - "EMMET CULLEN". He spat on the floor, before sawing the door into two halves with his chainsaw, frightening the person inside the door.

"What the hell?" Johnny was greeted with the sight of a tall, muscley man. "Who are you?"

"Are you a vampire?" Johnny asked, ignoring the man's question.

"Of course," he said rather boastfully. "The most powerful and greatest, too!"

Johnny just grinned, a grin of utter malice. "Well let's see if you can put that claim to justice!" Johnny rocketed himself off, flailing his chainsaw wildly and foaming at the mouth like a madman.

"That won't work!" retorted Emmet. "Take this, my super awesome vampire manipulation!"

Emmet held out his wimpy fingers, as if trying to make a forcefeild tingle at their tips. Of course, it didn't work, and Johnny was immediately on top of Emmet, after a swift kick to the torso.

Johnny crawled onto the man's body, stomping his neck. He used his chainsaw to cut into a perfect bone crunching saw into his torso, blood spewing all over the place on Johnny's hair, head and neck. He sawed all the way to Emmet's neck, where he made a perfect finish by sawing into his windpipe, spewing blood everywhere and cutting the man clean in half, his spine lay strewn out on the floor below him.

Johnny grinned, laughed like a madman and howled like a wolf, covered in blood. This had definitely been the most satisfying kill yet. He licked his lips, and marched off through to the next stop. He realized that after he had finished Emmet, the REAL fun would begin - the showdown with the hero and heroine, Bella and Edward!

**AN: Thanks for reading! This chapter was insanely fun to write. Next chapter, we get to the epic showdown of Johnny vs. Edward, and Squee vs. Bella. Twilight haters rejoice!**


	4. Chapter 4: Johnny vs Jacob!

**AN: Here's chapter 4! Enjoy!**

Johnny bent down to sniff the grass of the outside cemetery behind the studio, before gagging. The moon had risen highest in the sky, and he could clearly hear a wolf's howl in the distance. He grinned, licking the remaining blood off his lips. The final showdown was getting close, he could taste it...

XXXXXXX

"Son? Son! What in lord's name was that?!"

Squee's father came rushing into Squee's room, to see the sight of an absolutely terrified looking son of his, and a cylindric shaped pod wedged in the between the walls, which had slammed through Squee's room.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! WHAT IS THIS?!"

"I don't know, Daddy! I swear!"

Todd's father, his fist clenched in rage, stomped over to the pod, inspecting it. Todd, still carrying Shmee, walked over as well, examining it.

"It must've malfunctioned and decided to crash in here," said Squee's father. "It's definitely mechanic."

"It still might be working," noted Squee. Suddenly, an idea popped into his mind. "We can go over to LA with this, daddy! It's a teleportation pod!"

"What?"

"We can go over to Los Angeles and save all those people who scary neighbor man is killing!" Squee said happily, excited that he could save normal people from imminent doom. His father just scowled.

"Idiot!" he cursed at his son. "I'd rather watch the fake vampire fools die..." He suddenly widened his eyes, then smiled. "On second thought, let's roll."

XXXXXX

Another ear-splitting howl echoed throughout the graveyard. Johnny grinned. "So this is the big showdown, eh?"

Johnny's question was answered when a large wolf pounced out of the darkness of the woods. It propelled itself at him, aiming for his ankles.

Johnny propelled backward, drop kicking the wolf's face and pinning it down with his scythe, before it twisted around and hurled itself up, panting. It's body transformed, revealing itself to be a young boy with a wimpy posture.

"You're different from the other humans..." he said to Johnny. "Are you, perhaps, a vampire?"

Johnny looked bewildered, before a grin of malice spread across his face. "Well, are YOU?" he asked.

"No, I am a werewolf," the boy responded.

"You're different from those other wimps as well," Johnny grinned, "tell me your name, boy!"

"Jacob," the boy said tensely.

"COME AT ME!" Johnny charged with his scythe, swinging it into the boy's teeth. He blocked them with his weak looking teeth, before Johnny sent a rather powerful punch in the stomach, causing Jacob to twirl violently, before Johnny sawed a clean cut with his blade right across Jacob's back, roundhouse kicking the wound and propelling Jacob to the grass.

"W-what...what are you..." panted Jacob, losing consciousness.

"YOUR DEMISE!" Johnny's scream was cut off as a large object flew through the moonlight, slamming into a tree. Johnny noticed it was a pod, the same type of pod he had used to get to LA. The door flung open, and two heaps fell out of it.

"Goddammit, Todd!" shouted a voice. "Next time let me control it you stupid worthless kid!"

"Sorry, daddy..."

Johnny instantly recognized the voice of Squee, and the voice of his father. The two got up, and Johnny smiled as he saw Squee. "Come to join the fun, Squeegee boy?" he asked.

"Nny, please stop this!" he begged. "Stop killing!"

"No. I must do this!" he licked his lips, turning his attention back to Jacob.

Squee's dad spat, cheering Johnny on. "Yeah! Yeah! Murder that punk!"

"What do you think you're doing?" asked a voice from behind the four. Johnny smiled maliciously, Squee's dad scowled, Todd cowered, and Jacob smiled gladly.

It was none other than Edward Cullen.

"So...it's time..." said Johnny, smirking.

**AN: It's finally here! The big showdown between the six last fighters! Who will beat who? Who will finish off Stephenie Meyer? And how bad will Edward get fucked up by Johnny? Find out next time, on DRAGONBALL Z!**


	5. The Bigass Graveyard Brawl

**AN: Here's chapter five, enjoy!**

The air brimmed with a cold silence and malice as Edward and his girlfriend, Bella (who had arrived on the scene shortly after) confronted Johnny, Squee, his dad, and Jacob. Johnny licked his lips.

"So it's you..." Johnny said. "The moment we've all been waiting for, folks! The great Edward Cullen facing ME! Ahahahaha!" Johnny laughed an insane giggle, which gradually formed into a nutty laugh.

"Johnny! Don't do this! Please!" Squee begged.

"I've come this far, and I'm gonna go the rest of the way!" said Johnny, licking his lips.

"What do you think you are doing to Jacob, foul vampire scum?!" dramatized Edward. Edward in terms of appearance was wimpy and small, and much shorter than Johnny. His face was weak and unconvincing.

"EDWARD! BELLAAAAA! Run! He's too strong-" Jacob was interrupted when Johnny backhanded his neck, making Jacob cough and sending him stumbling over.

"Just who the heck do you think you are?!" Edward shouted, Bella cowering behind him.

"I am..." Johnny looked up, pure malice in his golden eyes, his hair falling in a sickening heap on his forehead, as if he had gotten water on it, "your WORST NIGHTMARE!"

"Are you a vampire?" asked Edward.

Johnny frowned. "No," he replied, "are you?"

"Of course I am a vampire! The greatest one there is!"

Johnny laughed like a madman. "Show me your moves then! Do you even know what a vampire is?!"

"Of course I know what a vampire is!" he shouted. "Vampires are beings of grace and light! We sparkle purple in the sunlight! We are beings of beauty!"

Johnny grinned maliciously. "LIES! LIES AND SLANDER!" he yelled. "Vampires are beings of cruelty and pain! They command the armies of the night! They inflict fear, pain, and drink blood, and most of all, Edward..."

"What?!"

"Vampires..."

Johnny's whole body began to shake violently,

"Don't..."

He looked up at Edward, face completely red,

"SPAAAAAAARKLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!"

Johnny charged at Edward, knives and "fangs" clashing. The air was ablaze with blood as Johnny knocked Edward about, cutting wherever he could, as Edward tried desperately to sink his teeth into Johnny's neck, but failed, as Johnny bear hugged the frail boy, breaking a few of his bones as Johnny used his brute strength to toss Edward like a salad into a tree.

While this battle was underway, Bella, Edward's girlfriend, had tripped over something trying to escape the battle's grasp. She looked below her, and saw that it was Squee, who cowered.

"You little brat!" she said to the small boy, who picked himself up and ran from the angry girl, "I'll murder you!"

Meanwhile, Squee's father was watching the battle intently. He licked his lips as he saw Johnny tear apart Edward. He had managed to cut off two of Edward's toes, and Edward was screaming in agony.

Squee's father heard a loud roar behind him, and turned to see a pouncing Jacob. Dad quickly threw himself out of the werewolf's sight, getting himself into balance.

"Too weak to fight?" mocked Jacob tensely.

"Well," smirked Dad, "if you can't beat em, RUN!"

The weak man ran as fast as he could into the darkness of the woods, the werewolf boy hot on his heels.

Meanwhile, Johnny and Edward's battle was heating up, as the moon dipped lower and lower into the sky...

**AN: Hope you enjoyed! In the next chapter, Edward's gonna get superbly fucked up Johnny, Dad will fight Jacob in the woods, and Squee will face Bella. See you next time!**


End file.
